


The quickest way to a man's heart

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Awkward Yasha (Critical Role), Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, No Sex, Non-Consensual Touching, Original Character Death(s), Unrequited Love, Yasha (Critical Role)-centric, but ends up killing him so it's not that bad, none of these tags seem to be working for this fic, yasha has to flirt with a man to get information
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 12:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17100410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: Yasha, sent on an impossible mission to woo a man who had information about the Tomb Takers and who had taken an apparent fancy to her during their meeting, must endure his touches and his lips against her skin just a little while longer. Then, she can put Molly's wise teachings to good use, and she can really figure out the quickest way to a man's heart.Spoiler: Molly ends up being helpful, even in death.





	The quickest way to a man's heart

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this based on the quote 'the quickest way to a man's heart is through his fourth and fifth ribs' and I just felt like it worked for Yasha. The OC's name was going to be 'Zanlar' but then I realised it sounded too much like 'Zanroar' from campaign one and thought it had to change a bit. All the information I used about the TT is what was said during the show so I didn't include any new information that was completely wrong from Matt's vision but it's also from memory so it isn't perfect or word for word.  
> I doubt many people are going to read this because of the tags but if you do, I hope you enjoyed it x

“Yasha has to do it.”

At the mention of her name, Yasha looked up from the steady back and forth motion of polishing the Magicians Judge to watch many pairs of eyes turn towards her expectantly. “I... what?” she asked, confused.

Beau shuffled her feet uncomfortably. “You know how we were talking about that guy? The one who has information on that order Molly was in?”

“Lucian.” Caleb corrected quietly, not really looking up from his book but also not fully invested in it. “I don’t think it’s fair to confuse them.”

“Right…” Yasha said slowly, sheathing her sword and standing up. “And what has this got to do with me?”

Rolling her eyes as if it were obvious, Jester shone Yasha her brightest smile. “He likes big scary ladies so we need you to ask him where we find those mean people.”

“Why can’t Beau do it?” Yasha asked, taking a step back.

“Beau is still wanted by the Crowns Guard, remember?” Nott interjected from where she sat on the ground beside Caleb, sorting out buttons and coins and all the shiny things she had collected on their journeys and managed to shove inside her pouch. “And he was looking at you before when we met him in the bar. I think he likes you.”

Yasha almost desperately wanted to disagree with them, to tell them how wrong they were, but they were looking at her with such hopeful expressions that she couldn't find it within herself to refuse them. “Do I have to keep him alive?”

“Just long enough for him to give us the location and whatever information you can get out of him about the Tomb Takers,” Fjord assured, knowing very well where Yasha’s mind was headed. “Put maiming and injuring is still on the table.”

Nodding, Yasha held back a sigh and made her way towards the door. “See you later then. I’ll meet you back here.”

Before Yasha could make it out onto the street, a large yet thin hand wrapped around her arm and she turned to see Caduceus, finishing up his nightly tea under the stars. “I uh, I understand that you don’t particularly feel comfortable doing this and you would much rather just kill him instead, but I want you to know that I’ll be right here when you come back and I’m very happy to talk about whatever you wish to… forget.” Yasha nodded her thanks before making her way back to the bar they had gathered in earlier that day.

The bar was stock standard- wooden walls, sticky floors and round tables filled with loud men steadily drinking more and more ale. At the very back of the bar, his hands fiddling with someone relatively new was the human man who had mentioned something earlier that day about Lucian, and who had become very invested in Yasha in the moments they spoke.

Reluctantly, Yasha pulled a chair out across from him at the table and sat down with her arm across the sticky surface. He glanced up expectantly then beamed at her. “Oh yes, I remember you! I had a feeling we’d be meeting again soon.” He waggled his eyebrows at her and Yasha tried not to gag. “I don’t believe we’ve been well introduced. I’m Zalar Biro, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

He reached a hand out over the table in an obvious request to shake Yasha’s hand, but Yasha just stared at it with a raised eyebrow. He was looking at her expectantly and quickly, she shook the ends of his fingers so she didn’t need to touch him too much. “Yasha.”

“Ah, Yasha, a lovely name.” Satisfied, Zalar pulled his hand away and folded them across his chest, leaning back in his chair. “I’m sure you’re here to speak to me about… personal matter? My undeniable charms and beauty?’

Yasha cleared her throat. “Something like that.” Glancing around the room, Yasha could tell how many potential problems she could have if she had this sort of conversation out in the open and could clearly see numerous eyes on her from the moment she entered the room. She turned back to Zalar who was watching her with his head tilted and his lips contorted into a triumphant smirk. “How about we have this conversation in a more… private place?”

“Like the bedroom?” Zalar suggested eagerly.

Biting her lip, Yasha stood. “… sure. The bedroom.”

Begrudgingly, Yasha followed Zanlar through the tavern and up the stairs to his bedroom, the whole way remembering a conversation she had with Mollymauk all those months ago, long before the Mighty Nein had come to pass and the circus was still travelling smoothly as a unit.

Molly had always known, long before Yasha had confessed it, and he would smile at her with a twinkle in his eyes. “Listen, Yasha dear, you know I have absolutely no problem with you having a thing for girls, right?”

“I know,” Yasha had replied absently, looking through the pages of her book. “What brings up this topic?”

“Well, you know I don’t give a fuck who I sleep with.” Molly looked had around the landscape as he spoke, twirling one of the moons on his horns around his finger. “So this is not a problem I’ll ever have but if you’re ever forced into a situation with some scummy man you want nothing to do with, I thought I’d pass on some of my undying wisdom.”

From the front of their cart, Gustav called out over his shoulder without looking away from the horses. “Mollymauk? Wise? There are two words that don’t go together.”

Ignoring him, Molly sat up and crawled towards Yasha on his knees until he was beside her in the cart, one hand on her shoulder and her lips close to her ear. “Listen well, my dear, for I am about to tell you the fastest way to a man’s heart.”

Molly’s whispered lesson faded from Yasha’s mind because suddenly, Zalar was opening the door and eagerly gesturing Yasha into the threshold of his room, a standard tavern room, but one he had glorified to his own obviously expensive tastes. “So my love,” Zalar did an intricate spin to close the door and lean against it, facing Yasha, with a greasy smile on his face. “What is it you wanted to speak with me about?”

Effectively boxed in, Yasha shuffled her feet nervously. She knew she should probably soften up Zalar with some sort of flirting like Molly always did, but Yasha wasn’t Molly, and she just wanted to get it over with. “You said you had information on the Tomb Takers?”

“I mean, not much, but I do have some information. For a price of course.” Zalar purred. Sighing Yasha pulled her sword off of her back and placed it by the door as she approached. Not to intimidate, but to reassure Zalar's belief that while she was large and intimidating, she wasn’t immediately dangerous. “How about this. I tell you one piece of information each time you give me a kiss.”

Yasha almost threw up in her mouth _. Play it like Molly_ , she thought and turned back to Zalar with what she hoped was a disarming smile. She placed a hand on his arm. “How about a different deal?” She said, tilting her head and making her hair fell down over one shoulder. “How about you tell me everything you know now… and you’ll get a bigger surprise at the end.”

At her words, Zalar's eyes lit up with excitement. “Well, Yasha, you sure know how to barter. And a fair deal that is.” Before Yasha could comprehend what was happening, Zalar's sweaty arms wrapped around her and pulled Yasha closer to his chest. “I’d be honoured to follow it through.”

Every bone in Yasha’s body was telling her to run, to break his arms and pull away and never look back once she left through that door, especially when he began mouthing down the bare skin of her neck and running his hands over her arms, but Molly’s name was repeated like a mantra in her head, she ran her hands slowly up and down Zalar's back and stuck to the plan. “What happened to the Tomb Takers?”

“Some stories say that once the leader died they all disbanded,” Zalar said with his face pressed to Yasha’s shoulder and Yasha bit her lip, so far not gaining any new information, but the night was still young and Yasha wasn’t going to lose her cool too quickly. “Apparently, Lucian, the leader, wanted a ritual completed that didn’t go quite so well. It killed him before they could see what he was doing.”

“What was he doing?” Yasha asked, eyes fixed firmly on the wall behind him.

Zalar took his arm off Yasha’s shoulder to wave it around the room before placing it back. “No clue. Nobody knew. Apparently, he kept it a secret from even his highest lieutenant, and he took the secret to his grave.”

Sighing, Yasha brought her hand up to cup the base of Zalar's neck, like she used to watch Molly do to unsuspecting townsfolk in desperate need of a kind reading. “Where are they from? Where is their base of operations?”

“If you wanted specific information, I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed.” Zalar chuckled. “I think one of their hideouts was close to where Lucian was buried. There might be one near Kamorda and maybe one near Felderwin, but other than that they kept it all pretty quiet and secluded.”

Yasha closed her eyes and sighed through her nose, trying and failing to get a hold on her frustration. “Do you know what the plan of the group was? Do you know why they were created?”

“Do you know what a Bloodhunter is? They were a splintered off group of Bloodhunters that wanted to cleanse the world and purge it of evil, spirts or otherwise.” Zalar shrugged against her. “I don’t know what the original order was for but I don’t think they liked what Lucian was planning on doing very much.”

“You’re telling me that you know nothing about the Tomb Takers, despite telling us you had information?” Yasha demanded, annoyed.

“I didn’t tell you how much information.” Zalar pointed out, mouthing his way up Yasha’s neck to kiss under her chin. “But I did tell you all the information I had. No, how about your end of the deal I was promised?”

Yasha felt rage boiling up deep within her chest, the hatred and distaste turning her vision red with violence and she gripped Zalar's arms tightly, tight enough to leave large finger-shaped bruises on his skin that would last a long time. She ground her teeth together. “Of course, how could I ever forget. Someone such as you deserves a reward for your kindness.”

“O,h Yasha.” Zalar hummed, looking up at Yasha with something close to adoration. She hated it. “You certainly know the way to a man’s heart.”

“Yes.” Yasha said, reaching out and wrapping her fingers around the hilt of her sword before she swung it forward and shoved it up through Zanlar’s ribcage, making him gasp and stagger back as a bubble of blood split forth from his mouth. “I do.”

As Zanlar floundered at the hit of the sword, Molly’s whispered words at the back of the cart vibrated in her mind with their intensity and she smiled at the memory of her friend and his excellent advice.”

 _“The quickestto a man’s heart.”_   Molly had whispered into her ear. _“is through the fourth and fifth ribs.”_

As Zanlar collapsed to the ground with his eyes succumbing to lifelessness and his breathing failing, Yasha yanked her sword out of his heart and wiped the blood off her blade on his too-fancy clothes. “Thanks, Molly,” She muttered to the air as she sheathed her weapon and made her way out of the tavern and back towards the abode the Mighty Nein were staying in.

“Did you do it?” Jester asked eagerly from where she was perched on the edge of one of the beds that Beau was currently taking over. “Did he tell you?”

“He didn’t know anything.” Yasha muttered, catching sight of Caduceus who was sitting cross-legged in a corner, meditating. “Nothing we didn’t already know before, anyway.”

Beau growled and covered her face with her hands. “Fuck!” she roared, picking up the nearest object and throwing it against the wall as hard as she could. Nott had to duck out of the way to avoid being hit by a heavy paperweight. Beau winced. “Sorry.”

From where he stood by the doorway, Fjord pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s fine. We’ll find another way to get the information.”

“Maybe we can go and ask some questions, if Yasha wasn’t successful?” Caleb suggested. “It wouldn’t hurt. Maybe our assumption regarding his attraction for Yasha was… inaccurate?”

“I don’t think that’d be such a good idea, Mr Caleb.” Caduceus took a sip of his tea. “I mean, it’s a good idea in theory, but the man is dead.” All eyes turned to Yasha, except Caduceus, who was busy fiddling with his bag filled with tea. “Good. He was a sleaze anyway.”

Chucking a little, Fjord crossed his arms against his chest and hit his head against the wall. “Well, if we got nothing out of him, what do we do now?”

“He said they had a base near where Molly was buried the first time.” Yasha remembmberd, nodding her thanks to Caleb when he tossed her a rag to wipe her bloodied hands on. “We could start there.”

“Do you know where he was buried? Lucian?” Jester asked.

Yasha didn’t exactly, because those words had never been spoken, but she knew the look the circus got when they travelled passed a particular spot in the woods and how quiet Molly would get, the bleeding palms from where his talons had dug into his skin, the bitten lip, the downcast eyes and the desperate need for warmth and contact. “I think so.”

“Good. Then we’ll head on over and see what hideout we can find.” Fjord said, pushing off the wall and making his way deeper into the room.

When all was quiet and everyone else was asleep, Caduceus sat down beside her and handed her a mug of tea. “Tell me, how did you do it? I’d like to know how he met his end, even if he was a disgusting man.” He brought his face closer and lowered his voice. “I feel like it was special to you. I don’t know why, but I think his death… was significant, in some way. What was it?”

Smiling into her tea, Yasha closed her eyes and saw purple and gold and silver and ostentatiousness float behind her eyes. The faint sound of boisterous laughter and the quick shuffling of cards reached her ears despite knowing she would never hear those sounds again. “No reason. Molly just taught me the quickest way to a man’s heart, is all. I just thought I’d put his teachings into practice.”


End file.
